Sensual Sunday – Ordinary Things

ss_ordinarythings

Half a glass of garnet colored wine on a sunlit table.

Childhood photos; blues fading leaving yellow to paint a thousand words.

Piles of chocolate chips collapsing softly into a rich molten puddle.

Freshly laundered sheets– snapping them open and stretching taught over the mattress.

The drape of a bias cut silk dress on a beautiful woman.

The smell of woodsmoke in my hair.

Steam rising from the roadway pavement after a cool summer rain.

Strawberry decorations on vintage juice glasses.

The way a diagonally cut sandwich triangle fits nicely in our hand and the satisfying first bite on the edge of the center of the longest plane.

The satisfying click of an pen lid snapping into place.

Glass marbles in a jar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daddy Issues

kissing

The following is regarding consensual interaction only.  It’s also just my opinion learned from life’s little lessons.  Also, I think “erotica”  and “porn” really falls outside the realm of this discussion.  Erotica is geared towards fetishes and fantasy.  If you’re trying to learn psychological lessons from erotica, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

******

I’ve been thinking about the way people’s sexual preferences are portrayed in a variety of media.  How some things are typically frowned upon, regardless of context.  Things like older men even noticing younger women are “dirty old men” and how young women who prefer older men have “daddy issues.”  Mind you, when those words come up they are usually with a negative bent.

I think that what is missing from this equation is the acknowledgement that all of us have sexual preferences for reasons.  Having “daddy issues” or “mommy issues” demeans the people who choose these relationships.  A younger person falls in love with somebody older, it implies they cannot make a sound decision based on the older person as a whole.  It also demeans the older person as well, as though they are taking advantage of the younger person.

I’ve seen arguments that older people and younger people cannot have an equal relationship.  Implying that only people who are totally equal can ever be in a consensual relationship together.  But how can we possibly quantify, beyond known power imbalance, that this is somehow detrimental to a relationship?

Therapists should not date their patients.  Teachers should not date their students.  Bosses should not date their subordinates.  These things make sense.  There is definite power imbalance in these situations.  But beyond these types of relationships, things get murky.

People have all kinds of psychological reasons for why they are attracted to other people.  They love big breasts or tiny feet.  They fall in love with singers or writers or military men (and women).  There are many reasons we feel attractions and they are all valid.  Some of them can be self destructive.  For example, people who only fall in love with married people.  Or people who fetishize something to the point they cannot have a bonding sexual experience, or possibly any sexual experience, without that fetish present. Or people have a fetish that hurts others, non-consensually.

So what exactly is an equal relationship?  Only professors with equal education levels?  Only people who speak the same language?  Only people who are making similar income levels?  Celebrities can only date celebrities?

We have long rolled our eyes at the professor who sleeps with the co-ed.  But these relationships happen time and time again for a reason.  Each person is attracted and having some need met.  The co-ed swoons over the smart handsome professor.  Or the young male student is interested in a sexy older woman.  This could also be female/female or male/male.  The possibilities are endless. The professors feel adored.  Who doesn’t like to feel smart and adored?  The student feels special.  Both parties are smart enough to know the cliche – so why does it keep happening (and often ending badly) over and over again?  Because these people are chemically and psychologically drawn to each other.  If it turns out that they learn something along the way – that’s called a lesson.  If these people have destructive, hurtful relationships that hurt other people each time, then maybe they learn to stop the harmful behavior.  But at least sometimes, it works out.  And that’s not a mistake.  It’s because some people are actually meeting each others needs.

Learning from sexual mistakes are like every other mistake we make as we grow.

I’ve mostly been thinking of this because of Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk about bullying.  And the imbalance in the blame that went on in the fallout.  I was much younger then and I remember being angry at her as much a Bill Clinton.  Part of that was media driven madness.  So unfair.  But now that I’m a bit older I realize that their behavior isn’t so out of place in a world where all of us have needs and sometimes they aren’t being met and the next thing you know, the thing that can scratch your itch is right there.  It’s human.  There was definitely a power imbalance in that relationship, so in my feeling if there is blame to go around it should be laid squarely at Bill Clinton’s feet.  In retrospect, the only thing that really bothers me about all of that stuff now, is the lies he told – to his wife.  But that’s none of my business.

I think we get mad, not because we think Monica did something that is so wrong or out of the realm of fairly normal behavior for a young woman intoxicated by a powerful man.  I think we get mad because we don’t want our spouse cheating on us and embarrassing us in front of everybody.  Wounding our egos.  Feeling like somebody is going to take away the thing that made us feel safe when we were first together.  We were mad at Monica because we identified more with the wronged spouse.  If you identified more with Monica, then you were probably not the spouse in the scenario.  It’s all relative.

Being with somebody who I totally trust has made all of the difference in the way I project my feelings onto these situations.  Growing up some, has given me perspective.  When you have a healthy self esteem and you totally trust that your spouse is truthful and always has your best interest at heart, you don’t worry about these things.  Therefore you don’t project your insecurities onto the people in these scenarios.  That doesn’t mean that your relationship will never suffer any serious blows.  Or that a lie can’t and won’t happen.  It just means that you’re more likely to get what you need from that relationship 98% of the time and you’re not going to go around being mad at things that have nothing to do with you.

I said all of that to say this:  we should stop portraying some sexual desires as gross or stupid.  Sure, we can have characters in stories that think some things are gross or stupid.  But it would be nice to see it stop being validated within the story.  An older woman and a younger man is always a “cougar.”  Sure, that’s fun and wink-wink, nod-nod.  And sometimes that is fine and appropriate.  But it’s become a trope and it sort of removes the humanity from the people involved.

Old men noticing young women isn’t always “dirty old man” situation.  Remember, every young man who came of age and was into young women isn’t going to just stop finding young women attractive because his body ages.  He may make the choice to only date older women or more mature women, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop his attraction younger women.

We seem to be at war with our humanness.  Rather than accept those parts that are normal and ingrained and then building on them to make better decisions.  Controlling our behavior for healthier happier outcomes.  Rather than build up from the foundation we’ve laid, we tear other things down so we feel better.  We have a culture of this sort of thing.  From the magazines at the check-out aisle where we can see which successful person who is richer than we are has cellulite so we feel better about our cellulite, to viewing senior citizens as funny little non-sexual entities. Some day we will be staring at a seventy year old lover, if we are lucky enough to be having sex well into our old age.

We all are attracted to what we are attracted to because it meets some need inside of us.  I don’t mean our sexual orientation.  That’s just part of what you are born with.  I mean the aspects and features of others that we are attracted to.   And even if you think somebody else has weird needs and attractions, so long as things are consensual and not hurting their lives or the life of somebody else, it’s ok.  They’re ok.  You’re ok.  And it’s none of your business. Just don’t stop growing.  The more honest we can be about these things, the more we can grow.

So buy that new whip for your dungeon room and put on that tu-tu and dance around.  Spank or get spanked.  Put on that superhero spandex.  Role-play.  Kiss.  Fuck.  Lick chocolate off of each other.  Have fun.  Healthy sex is fun, satisfying sex.

Sensual Sunday – Candy Apple Kisses

Sensual Sunday is a weekly sensual observation or short story.


SS_carnival

He bought me a candy apple.  The kind with the hard glossy coating and I smiled coyly as he presented it to me.  It was fancy, for a carnival apple, wrapped elegantly with a bow closing it at the top.  I stuck my finger inside one of the red and white gingham loops and traced it with my finger.  I twirled one of the loose ends and tugged, popping the ribbon free.  He held his hand out and I dropped it into his palm, as though it were a pair of my panties.  As he watched, I peeled the sticking wrapper away from the treat, enjoying the crinkle of the genuine cellophane.  My smile was toothy and joyful now, as I felt my teasing kitten routine falter for a moment.  As soon as I put tongue to the apple’s sweet coating, I turned my eyes up at him.  He smiled, proud he’d pleased me.  I thought about kneeling right there on the pavement and unzipping his jeans.  Pulling him out and putting candy apple kisses all over it.  My tender knees on the bumpy biting asphalt.  People stopping to stare.  Couples getting turned on and rushing home to fuck each others’ brains out.  I ran my lips across the damp sticky lollipop surface and stepped in to kiss him.  We stood there, the smell of popcorn and cotton candy, the lights and whirling sounds and chatter of people all around us.  He pressed against me so hard I thought I would fall over.  I could feel him hard, right through his jeans, and I was aching to touch him there.  We held each other tightly as he licked the sticky cherry flavoring from my lips.  He’s usually a shy boy, so he pulled away when he noticed people stopping, furrowing their brows and giving us disapproving looks.  Not much later that evening we would sneak into my basement rec-room while my parents slept innocently two floors above us.

Sensual Sunday

I love doing themes!  Particularly those with alliteration – like Wonderful Word Wednesday.  It’s motivating and inspires me to push myself a bit.  I want to try Sensual Sunday posts.  Essentially, I’ll post about something sensual– that is to say, anything pleasurable.  Most will likely have an erotic bent to them.

Inaugural SS – enjoy.

***

erotic_sensual_coffee

The smell of coffee on a lazy morning.  I watch as he stands naked in the kitchen, making the brew.  Sunlight pours in the large window, highlighting hipbones, collarbones, knees and shoulders.  The soft down on the back of his neck, where it is warm and a good place to kiss, tickles my nose as I nuzzle, eyes closed.  He smells of spicy conditioner and cotton pillowcases.

He sets the heavy mug down, making a soft thud when it connects with the counter.  He turns and I can see he is ready to return to bed, not to sleep.  His hands hold my face as he bends to meet my mouth with his. We breathe each other in for a moment.  Without a word, his hand slides down my arm, clasps my hand and leads me to his bed.

 

Shenanigans in Publishing

I keep up with what’s going on in the self-publishing market, for obvious reasons (oy, with the research, can’t a girl just write something?) and I wanted to share THIS ARTICLE just because it’s the strangest article I’ve ever read.  At first I thought it was a satire article – in part because photo looks so staged and in part because…just…so.many.things.

Even as I’m about to post this, I double-checked to make sure it wasn’t the plot of a weekly evening soap opera.  An interesting read even if you aren’t in the book world.  But especially if you’re in the romance and erotica book world.  And also, anybody who follows Amazon and their shenanigans.

Can’t we all just play nice?

milhouse_500

Heartstrings

musicheartstrings

Do you ever find yourself on the cusp of a feeling and you try to use music to intensify that feeling?

Maybe it’s somewhat silly to even post because people use music to evoke feeling all the time.  For weddings, you’ll find love songs and joyful tunes.  If you’re angry and want to rage against the machine you can, well, listen to Rage Against the Machine.  Of course there is the ever-popular post breakup wallow.

But I’m not really talking about those sorts of things.  I’m talking about finding a feeling.  You feel something welling up in you, but you aren’t certain what it is.  Is it that you’re about to be sad?  Or maybe you’re just feeling particularly loving?

I have restless music days.  Days where I change the channel on Spotify or switch to Songza or Pandora, searching.  What melody, what lyrics, what genre is going to vibrate the correct heartstrings?  It’s like having one of those itches that you scratch, but it moves.  You keep chasing it, but you still have the sensation of the itch, just beneath your skin.

When I find the right music the restlessness settles.  My soul tunes in and I tend to get stuck on it for days.  Looping a limited playlist or even listening to the same song several times in one day.  Sometimes in a row.  The itch is scratched and I use the feelings to make something.

What I Learned from You

What I Learned From You

that strawberries and basil actually go well together
and i will never eat them

that some flowery scents can smell sweet
and then sour

that some people can seem sweet
and then bitter

and some people will be mad at you for believing their lies

and make you the villain in their story

so they don’t have to own any blame