Yesterday’s Mood: “I can do a really good impression of a fettuccine noodle, I bet somebody’s gotta want that.” ~Dharma (see 5:36 in the video)
My desk has two glasses, one mug, an empty dried plums box and a bowl with dried up soy milk in it. I know the spoon is stuck to the bottom, without even touching it.
The more I dig into my work, whether it’s writing or artwork, photo editing – whatever – the messier my desk gets, until I am pushing things this way and that just to see my side monitor. The mess on my desk means progress in my work, and I’ve tried to make friends with that idea.
I’m busy doing a lot of things right now, including dealing with some rejection. Book two (Red Archer in the Red August series) started out so nicely yesterday, about 700 words in just a few hours, and that felt nice. Then the rejection came, totally unrelated to my books and writing, but still. I cried a bit, because no matter how confident you are, rejection stings. When you get rejected, especially for something you feel vulnerable about, you feel like all of your tender spots have been poked with a stick.
Does the crying help? No. Well…maybe. I don’t know. I cried and got comforted and then I felt better. So, maybe it helps to cry and let it out.
Then I sent my sister a mopey text. She sent me back “don’t be silly” stuff and told me that it had been the first day of school for my nephews. I posted an uncharacteristically mopey status on social media. Normally I’m all zen and cheer or feminist and angry. I thought about Dharma and her lost yoga class. I think my feelings would be easier to cope with if I didn’t feel like I don’t pull my weight around here. It’s a matter of pride. After all, I supported myself before I ever got involved with a man. Oh – my life. It’s taken some unexpected turns. I really wouldn’t change most of it, though.
I’m fortunate to have a sweetheart, sidekick and partner in all things arty to keep me grounded. I have people who send me nice notes when my work has touched them in some way. It can really get you through a low spot.
A friend said to me today that she was so surprised when I published a book. That she had no idea. And I explained that I didn’t talk about it much because I wasn’t sure I could do it. But I did it, and that’s something. And now I am on the second book and some people are waiting for it. They really want to read it. And that’s amazing.
This messy heart has a lot of stories to tell. If I had to go through some of the shit I went through in life, I might as well find a way to make something beautiful of it. If I can’t make something beautiful, then I want to find a way to connect. That matters to me.
I’m all patched up today. Rejection stings are all tended to. Messy desk is messier – which is good. It means I’m working and getting somewhere. I guess it’s the same way for my heart.